We seem to be in the midst of a recurrence of the Great Faerie Gender Debate.

I think that one reason this "argument" comes up over and over is because it has as much to do with relationships between younger and older gay men -- and between gay men and gay ancestors -- as it does with men and women.

I feel moved to repost something I wrote on this topic last year.

love Stella


Healing the Ancestors
wolfcreekfaeries.tribe.net/thre...a64a6
July 11, 2007

I feel them so strongly on the Land. The ancestors. Our Faerie forefaggots. The revolutionary shaman queens who searched and strove to buy this land, and their brothers and lovers and friends.

And especially that generation of men that was cut down by AIDS like grain under the scythe.

Their ashes cover the land in a thin grey layer, mixed with tears and glitter.

They should have been 45 now (my age). Or 55. Or 75. They should have been our partners, mentors, leaders, priests. Our queer aunties and grandfathers.

So many of them were so young. Now a lost generation of men is turning into a lost generation of elders.

I feel them watching us, whispering to us. Some of them have gone on, graduated. They're loving us from wherever is next, but with detachment. They want us to be happy, but they're not stuck in human limitations anymore.

Others never got to finish their work, so they're nagging at us, wanting us to do it for them. Joggling our elbows. Making cold spots on the road between Garden House and the parking lot.

* * *

They're here in this conflict, although we don't name them very often.

They're here in how we try to fulfill -- or rebel against -- the intentions of our Faerie founders. We hear their voices in our heads and try to imagine what they would have wanted. It's easy to make dead people into symbols, and forget that they were just as complex and conflictual as we are.

They're also in the deep scars of grief some of us carry. I didn't live those seasons of loss, but I love people who did. And they tell me about years of going from funeral to funeral to funeral, when entire friendship circles were decimated.

You don't ever get over something like that.

But thanks to the miracle of modern medicine, we get to pretend like you can. And an entire generation of younger Fae has been spared from knowing what that terrible time was like.

Sometimes I want to say to the younger Fae: "You don't know what these men have lived through, so sit the fuck down and show some respect."

Underneath the "gender wars" there is a deep well of grief. One way people grieve the beloved dead is by resisting the changes that have happened since they died.

Sometimes I want to say to the older Fae: "I know you miss them, but my going away won't bring them back."

* * *

In his article "Gay Adults! Gay Adults! Where Are You?" (whitecrane.typepad.com/journa...g.html)
Don Kilhefner says:

"...whenever and wherever humans are found there seems to be a patterning of life into four stages called youth, adult, elder, and ancestor. Moreover, each of these stages have significant social roles to play in the village. There is a profound and fundamental interdependence between these stages and societal roles upon which the health and vitality of the village or tribe are largely based."

Our ancestors didn't get to stay around and give us their blessing as elders. And I think this loss can be seen in how we have been hurting each other.

I think that mourning them together, and asking them for their blessing, might help us finally lay this conflict to rest.

love Stella